so the SEC championship game is over and Alabama totally dominated the game...definitely not what I expected however I am proud of my Alma Mater. They really played some of the best football I have ever seen. Now my heart is sad bc I love Tim Tebow. I hink he is one of the best athletes we have seen on the gridiron. so all that said this is what I cannot stand...when I get on facebook and see the idolatry of many of my friends concerning Alabama football and the lack of respect. I can't stand seeing status updates that degrade the football players or people. I don't like how others put down Tim Tebow...yes is he talked about highly and idolized by some...yes, however this has been done to many players, including some of Bama's. Now Tebow didn't play his best or to the ability we have seen bc Bama didn't let him, much like Auburn held Mark Ingram to very few yards last weekend.
I would never make fun of someone crying or be glad that they were bc they lost. where is the compassion? I admit that I hate Tennessee and LSU with something I know is not holy but I feel for those guys when they lose or you see that heartbreaking look of disappointment on their faces. They all work so hard. It frustrates and disappoints me when I see my brothers and sisters in Christ have such little regard for others over football. sometimes the things they say or write rather are about a brother in Christ.
I have said for years that I would never be an Alabama fan bc I can't stand Alabama fans bc of their arrogance....same reasons I don't like Tennessee, LSU or Texas and someone usually points out to me that Auburn fans are the same way but the arrogance is proven to me week after week in the fall via facebook statii. Now not all my Bama fan friends are like this but alot are.
This is a rant I have had brewing for quite sometime. this is not coming from a jealous and bitter auburn fan
bc I am neither of those. and I dont think this is coming from the fact that football isn't as enjoyable since my dad died. but just that Ephesians 4:29 has been on my heart alot recently. I do work in an environment that is negative (not towards me) and this is something I have been stressing to my boys but when I go to something that is supposed to be enjoyable and see those negative comments it just gets to me. and I am not the most competitive person in general so part of me doesn't get it.
I feel relieved having gotten that out.
grace peace and joy
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
a litte of this...a little of that
So having an iPhone and no internet at home has significantly decreased my usage of the interweb and blogging. I am currently at Panera borrowing their wi-fi and uploading, downloading and all that jazz. And I really, really wish I had my earbuds to drown out this very annoying girl that is here and just keeps talking and talkng and talking. (she works here and is currently silent...nope there's a laugh).
It is hard for me to believe that it is already half way through November. I never think time will fly by faster than it already has but it does. There's not alot to report. Work has been really really busy. I have been considering church hunting again. Alot of people ask me how I'm doing with the whole grief process. I think that it has finally become reality that dad is dead and gone. I don't tear up every time I think about him being dead. Now, I did go see Tyler Perry's " I can do bad all by myself" and cried several times while watching it. Not just because of the reminders and similarities with dad's death, but also the field of work that I do. Oh yeah, and I saw the preview for "Precious" there's no way I'm going to see that. I would cry a river. I would say in the stages of grief I am in the acceptance stage. I'm not angry...anymore. I don't really talk about it alot or really think about it a ton either, but it's always just kind of there. I definitely still engage in a certain amount of avoidance. Football...not as much fun to watch knowing i can't talk to my dad about it later and here stories from way back when. That man had an unsurpassed ability to remember sports trivia.
On another note...I am so itching to travel somewhere. I want to go out of the country...but we'll see. I was planning on going to my brother and sister-in-laws for Christmas but my niece is due in January and i don't think I can swing two trips. So I think I will just go in January and take a vacay then and maybe visit Dallas!!! yay!!!!
I made a Christmas wreath. If I can figure how to post a picture i will or you can check it out on facebook. =) I like being creative.
So I am just trying to think of things to type while my itunes upgrades but it is very slow and I"m ready to peace out of here. I don't remember an upgrade taking this long...ever.
I now have the entire series of Friends on DVD. thank you Wal-Mart for having them for $15. =) I have been using my iPhone to keep current on 30 Rock...by far the best comedy on TV right now.
So I"m tweeting now...I've given into the darkside...
well, I am going to go...'twas fun rambling in written form.
Grace peace and love
It is hard for me to believe that it is already half way through November. I never think time will fly by faster than it already has but it does. There's not alot to report. Work has been really really busy. I have been considering church hunting again. Alot of people ask me how I'm doing with the whole grief process. I think that it has finally become reality that dad is dead and gone. I don't tear up every time I think about him being dead. Now, I did go see Tyler Perry's " I can do bad all by myself" and cried several times while watching it. Not just because of the reminders and similarities with dad's death, but also the field of work that I do. Oh yeah, and I saw the preview for "Precious" there's no way I'm going to see that. I would cry a river. I would say in the stages of grief I am in the acceptance stage. I'm not angry...anymore. I don't really talk about it alot or really think about it a ton either, but it's always just kind of there. I definitely still engage in a certain amount of avoidance. Football...not as much fun to watch knowing i can't talk to my dad about it later and here stories from way back when. That man had an unsurpassed ability to remember sports trivia.
On another note...I am so itching to travel somewhere. I want to go out of the country...but we'll see. I was planning on going to my brother and sister-in-laws for Christmas but my niece is due in January and i don't think I can swing two trips. So I think I will just go in January and take a vacay then and maybe visit Dallas!!! yay!!!!
I made a Christmas wreath. If I can figure how to post a picture i will or you can check it out on facebook. =) I like being creative.
So I am just trying to think of things to type while my itunes upgrades but it is very slow and I"m ready to peace out of here. I don't remember an upgrade taking this long...ever.
I now have the entire series of Friends on DVD. thank you Wal-Mart for having them for $15. =) I have been using my iPhone to keep current on 30 Rock...by far the best comedy on TV right now.
So I"m tweeting now...I've given into the darkside...
well, I am going to go...'twas fun rambling in written form.
Grace peace and love
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
so I decided that I needed a vacation...some time for me, some time to let myself grieve without having to turn it off so I can do my job...it is a part of being a counselor. so I went to Atlanta for a few days to visit my good friend Becca and celebrate the day she exited her mother's womb.
I had lots of fun in atlanta. it was relaxing. always good times with Becca.
on the way back today I had a lot of fun people watching and was kind of introspective
I have been reading a book by Irv Yalom called the gift of therapy. it has refreshed
my passion for counseling and given me a few things to think about.
I love to travel. I have been flying since I was a baby. flying has always been fun and fascinating to me. but I have noticed the older I get the more anxious I get about flying. as I stared out the window I reminisced about some of my favourite airplane rides. I love taking off when the plane goes really fast. I thought about how when I was younger I didn't think about the plane crashing or all the what if's. being a Lost fan doesn't help too much with anxiety about flying. so as we are taking off after like 15 minutes of taxiing I was filled with that childlike wonderment that I had when I was a child and for the first time in a while I didn't have to use any of my relaxation techniques to help me deal with a situation outside of my control. there was just amazement, wonder and faith. I tbhought about how difficult it is for me to have faith sometimes. I don't falter on theological issues or about if Scripture is real or theTrinity. but in the day to day small things it canbe hard. in matters of the heart and the ceasing of heartache it is really hard. I thought about when I first became a believer in Jesus. it was so innocent and easy.
I have thought about dad alot. I wish I was one of those people that just deals with it positively. but most of my thought are about how much it sucks and and are more doom and gloom. I really want to hit things and scream and curse alot. there is a big hole in me. nothing seems to be able to fill it up. shopping is my fav way to try to fill it but doesn't work. but it is fun. thought about self medicating with alcohol but would rather spend my money shopping for other things. it is hard and sucks. it is hard being a counselor and being on the other side of the fence. I can deal with another's pain alot easier than my own.
I have prayed some. haven't read alot of Scripture but it comes to my mind often. I have a quote of my own that I use to help me with others. it is that you have to experience the pain to get past to. so true but so
hard. I am trying ready for it to go away or just not be so raw and intense.
well thanks for reading. I typed this on my iPhone so please excuse my typos.
I had lots of fun in atlanta. it was relaxing. always good times with Becca.
on the way back today I had a lot of fun people watching and was kind of introspective
I have been reading a book by Irv Yalom called the gift of therapy. it has refreshed
my passion for counseling and given me a few things to think about.
I love to travel. I have been flying since I was a baby. flying has always been fun and fascinating to me. but I have noticed the older I get the more anxious I get about flying. as I stared out the window I reminisced about some of my favourite airplane rides. I love taking off when the plane goes really fast. I thought about how when I was younger I didn't think about the plane crashing or all the what if's. being a Lost fan doesn't help too much with anxiety about flying. so as we are taking off after like 15 minutes of taxiing I was filled with that childlike wonderment that I had when I was a child and for the first time in a while I didn't have to use any of my relaxation techniques to help me deal with a situation outside of my control. there was just amazement, wonder and faith. I tbhought about how difficult it is for me to have faith sometimes. I don't falter on theological issues or about if Scripture is real or theTrinity. but in the day to day small things it canbe hard. in matters of the heart and the ceasing of heartache it is really hard. I thought about when I first became a believer in Jesus. it was so innocent and easy.
I have thought about dad alot. I wish I was one of those people that just deals with it positively. but most of my thought are about how much it sucks and and are more doom and gloom. I really want to hit things and scream and curse alot. there is a big hole in me. nothing seems to be able to fill it up. shopping is my fav way to try to fill it but doesn't work. but it is fun. thought about self medicating with alcohol but would rather spend my money shopping for other things. it is hard and sucks. it is hard being a counselor and being on the other side of the fence. I can deal with another's pain alot easier than my own.
I have prayed some. haven't read alot of Scripture but it comes to my mind often. I have a quote of my own that I use to help me with others. it is that you have to experience the pain to get past to. so true but so
hard. I am trying ready for it to go away or just not be so raw and intense.
well thanks for reading. I typed this on my iPhone so please excuse my typos.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
A new normal
Well, this has not been the best month of my life. I found out on July 6 that my father had passed away. Not only that but he had been dead for probably a week and a half before anyone knew about it. Things are never conventional in my family...not even death. I've never had a death hit me quite like dad's. It hit instantly. It's the worst kind of pain/feeling/experience ever. We've finished everything with the house. My father was strangely sentimental and a packrat. He kept everything. I was looking through some old letters of his...he was quite the player, my father. The house was in bad shape. The smell was wretched the first few days. Even as gross as it was it was like the last thing I had left of dad. I know that is weird and morbid...but it was. I didn't get to view his body. He had decomposed quite a bit and was talked out of seeing him from everyone-my brother, my mother, the detective and the corporal at the police station. I think it would have helped me but at the same time I'm glad I didn't see my dad like that. When he was in the hospital 10 years ago, I didn't see him then (b/c he was on the other side of the country) and I was glad that I never had to see my dad looking weak. I'm thankful for that now.
I've had incredible support from my friends, family and co-workers. I am thankful for those the Lord has put into my life. I'm thankful that I know the God of all comfort. B/c if it weren't for the Lord sustaining me I don't know what I'd do. During the week I try to avoid grieving b/c it's just too much sometimes. It's too hard and it hurts too much. The pain is like nothing I've ever experienced before. It's like a part of me is missing and there's nothing that can fill that up. Judy, my old counselor, put it as a breathtaking pain. She hit the nail on the head. that's why she's phenomenal. Another friend, said that person told him after his father died that it's a new normal. Well it sucks. and I don't like it very much.
I know the states of grief. I think I'm entering into the anger stage. Well, I'm more in the "it's not fair, it wasn't supposed to be like this stage." I am very thankful that I got to spend Father's Day weekend with him. We had a great time and I remember thinking how thankful I was for my dad. Dad and I didn't have the best relationship for a while several years ago. I had to learn that his way of showing love wasn't necessarily the way I needed it the best. But I know he tried. I know my father loved me alot and I know he was very proud of me. I have loved looking through dad's stuff. He was such a talented artist. I have a few of his paintings. I loved his paintings the best, even though he has some absolutely incredible sketches. Dad was also very intelligent. He would challenge me often and I would challenge him as well. He didn't like it when I brought up subjects that i knew more about than he did. My father instilled in me the love of travel and learning about other cultures. He taught me how to draw...well gave me some tips...i'm not good like he was.
I covet prayers, for those that read this. I know it's going to take time. This whole grieving thing really sucks. It's just the best word. I am thankful that I don't have regrets. Dad and I resolved our issues. I do wish that I had kept in contact with him more but we talked about it when I was visiting him and he understood and knew that he could've called just as I could have.
Well I think they are about to kick me out of Panera. I feel much better having written that. =)
grace peace and love
I've had incredible support from my friends, family and co-workers. I am thankful for those the Lord has put into my life. I'm thankful that I know the God of all comfort. B/c if it weren't for the Lord sustaining me I don't know what I'd do. During the week I try to avoid grieving b/c it's just too much sometimes. It's too hard and it hurts too much. The pain is like nothing I've ever experienced before. It's like a part of me is missing and there's nothing that can fill that up. Judy, my old counselor, put it as a breathtaking pain. She hit the nail on the head. that's why she's phenomenal. Another friend, said that person told him after his father died that it's a new normal. Well it sucks. and I don't like it very much.
I know the states of grief. I think I'm entering into the anger stage. Well, I'm more in the "it's not fair, it wasn't supposed to be like this stage." I am very thankful that I got to spend Father's Day weekend with him. We had a great time and I remember thinking how thankful I was for my dad. Dad and I didn't have the best relationship for a while several years ago. I had to learn that his way of showing love wasn't necessarily the way I needed it the best. But I know he tried. I know my father loved me alot and I know he was very proud of me. I have loved looking through dad's stuff. He was such a talented artist. I have a few of his paintings. I loved his paintings the best, even though he has some absolutely incredible sketches. Dad was also very intelligent. He would challenge me often and I would challenge him as well. He didn't like it when I brought up subjects that i knew more about than he did. My father instilled in me the love of travel and learning about other cultures. He taught me how to draw...well gave me some tips...i'm not good like he was.
I covet prayers, for those that read this. I know it's going to take time. This whole grieving thing really sucks. It's just the best word. I am thankful that I don't have regrets. Dad and I resolved our issues. I do wish that I had kept in contact with him more but we talked about it when I was visiting him and he understood and knew that he could've called just as I could have.
Well I think they are about to kick me out of Panera. I feel much better having written that. =)
grace peace and love
Saturday, May 16, 2009
hello...old friend
wow. I has been some months since I have blogged. I don't even know where to start.
I have indeed made my apartment more homey...more me. It also looks like a trainwreck right now. I hope to get some dishes and clothes washed tomorrow.
My poor car is having some problems. She's getting old so it's time for maintenance type things to be done. But right now she's not so much wanting to start. I washed the battery and got the corroded (i think that's how you spell it) off, so hopefully she'll start for me tomorrow. =) I am thankful that I live close by civilization. I walked to Subway for lunch/dinner. It was fun.
I went to T-town for Alan's wedding. Yay for Alan Henderson!!! I love seeing my friends get married. Like I have a joy from deep within that comes forth when I go to my friends weddings. It's hard to describe.
I love going to Tuscaloosa. Soon Alan's going to be the only person I know there. There is something about going to Tuscaloosa that refreshes me and I feel like I'm where I belong and that I"m in touch with my roots. In some ways it is still bittersweet going back to Tuscaloosa. I can't believe it was 10 years, a decade, that I was a freshman in college. Like I've known Beth, Becca, Andre', Mo, Kristal for over 1/3 of my life. Like when I think about my time in Tuscaloosa I remember alot of the pain that I experienced while there. however when I'm actually there I tend to remember alot of the healing that took place as well as it being the place I met and learned about my Saviour, Jesus. for that reason alone Tuscaloosa will always be special to me. I wish I could have stayed for longer. I got to see Scott and Penny Sparks. Scott was my college minister and he and Penny were my "adopted" parents through the college ministry. I haven't seen Scott in like 3 years and I don't think I've seen Penny since they left Tuscaloosa. I, of course, stayed with Beth and Jeremy. Beth went to the wedding and we were able to feel old together. =) I saw Will and Jarrett. Callie and Robert were at the wedding. I got to see the Boggs'. The Robinson's were there. talked to them more in T-town than in Memphis. Got to see Beau. I felt very, hm, what's the word i'm looking for. rejuvenated, revived, accepted, myself. Like the me that isn't stressed from work, that isn't cynical, that isn't lonely. I was just me. I didn't sugar-coat things. I was honest about where I'm at in life spiritually and about my job. I love my job...most of it. =) but I think it is true with any job there will be aspects that you just don't like at all. I had coffee with Beau this morning and some of the things we talked about brought up some topics that I have been avoiding. And you know it's funny to me that no matter how much change happens...some things still stay the same.
I've been thinking recently on my lack of trying to find a church and friends outside of work. I think there is some healing that needs to take place from my time at the church I went to in Dallas and i know that it's hard for me b/c of my seminary training to not pick over each church with a fine tooth comb and be done with it. i knew that there was something deeper and i remembered this from when I first moved to Dallas. And it has to do with my insecurity about people being stable in my life. And I kind of mentioned this while getting coffee. It's this... sometimes I think that if I let new people into my life that some of the old people are going to get pushed away or I think how am I going to have time for more people in my life. I mean every year I think that I don't want anymore friends b/c I have enough. And I have phenomenal friends. They have been family for, been there to hold me up through all kinds of trials, doubts, heartache. And as thankful as I am for my friends it gets really hard sometimes that i have to leave them or they leave me or just that things won't be the same and having to adapt in the change in the friendship (like not talking as much, or they're on the other side of the world). So then I want to resort back to my old defense mechanism of shutting down and just not caring. Which that really sucks but then you don't feel pain or lonely or insecure. And part of me, being me, when I move to a new place I have this struggle of not wanting to meet new people b/c I don't want to go through this whole process again of getting to know people, caring about them and then leaving/they leave. And I have made a few great friends at work and they are wonderfully supportive. I know, you might be wondering, how on earth is this chic a counselor? Well, it's easy b/c it's not a reciprocal relationship with your clients.
so I was reading some past notes/blog from facebook and found this from January of 2008 as I processing what I should do after I graduate. I know myself so well.
"I’m not worried about making new friends or a new support system b/c God has always been faithful in providing that for me. And I know myself. I know that it takes me a good year to 1 ½ to feel settled somewhere. And there is something exciting about going somewhere new and kind of “starting over.” But on the flip side, I don’t really want to leave the friends and support system I have in Dallas and long distance friendships can work, but they can also be hard to maintain. And sometimes I get frustrated or tired of maintaining my friendships from college and from Russia trips that to have to do that with another set of people- I just don’t know if I have it in me. And I know there’s an insecurity there b/c I’ve always wanted to have lifelong friends, but maintaining those when you live thousands of miles away is hard and I’ve always struggled with thinking that people wouldn’t want to be lifelong friends with me. So I get insecure when people don’t respond quickly or when I feel like I’m the one doing most of the work in the friendship (long distance ones) so then I think I should just cut ties completely b/c it would hurt less. Which is so not the case at all."
yep. that sums it up pretty well. =) Well ever since my conversation with Beau this morning I have been so weepy. All day the conversation and all that junk I just wrote about would bring tears to my eyes. I've broken down a few times. Even while typing this note it's happened a couple of times. Even though my head hurts, I feel much better to have typed and cried that out.
Well, this is extra long since it's been months since I've written anything. =)
Good night and let's hope that my car starts tomorrow...
I have indeed made my apartment more homey...more me. It also looks like a trainwreck right now. I hope to get some dishes and clothes washed tomorrow.
My poor car is having some problems. She's getting old so it's time for maintenance type things to be done. But right now she's not so much wanting to start. I washed the battery and got the corroded (i think that's how you spell it) off, so hopefully she'll start for me tomorrow. =) I am thankful that I live close by civilization. I walked to Subway for lunch/dinner. It was fun.
I went to T-town for Alan's wedding. Yay for Alan Henderson!!! I love seeing my friends get married. Like I have a joy from deep within that comes forth when I go to my friends weddings. It's hard to describe.
I love going to Tuscaloosa. Soon Alan's going to be the only person I know there. There is something about going to Tuscaloosa that refreshes me and I feel like I'm where I belong and that I"m in touch with my roots. In some ways it is still bittersweet going back to Tuscaloosa. I can't believe it was 10 years, a decade, that I was a freshman in college. Like I've known Beth, Becca, Andre', Mo, Kristal for over 1/3 of my life. Like when I think about my time in Tuscaloosa I remember alot of the pain that I experienced while there. however when I'm actually there I tend to remember alot of the healing that took place as well as it being the place I met and learned about my Saviour, Jesus. for that reason alone Tuscaloosa will always be special to me. I wish I could have stayed for longer. I got to see Scott and Penny Sparks. Scott was my college minister and he and Penny were my "adopted" parents through the college ministry. I haven't seen Scott in like 3 years and I don't think I've seen Penny since they left Tuscaloosa. I, of course, stayed with Beth and Jeremy. Beth went to the wedding and we were able to feel old together. =) I saw Will and Jarrett. Callie and Robert were at the wedding. I got to see the Boggs'. The Robinson's were there. talked to them more in T-town than in Memphis. Got to see Beau. I felt very, hm, what's the word i'm looking for. rejuvenated, revived, accepted, myself. Like the me that isn't stressed from work, that isn't cynical, that isn't lonely. I was just me. I didn't sugar-coat things. I was honest about where I'm at in life spiritually and about my job. I love my job...most of it. =) but I think it is true with any job there will be aspects that you just don't like at all. I had coffee with Beau this morning and some of the things we talked about brought up some topics that I have been avoiding. And you know it's funny to me that no matter how much change happens...some things still stay the same.
I've been thinking recently on my lack of trying to find a church and friends outside of work. I think there is some healing that needs to take place from my time at the church I went to in Dallas and i know that it's hard for me b/c of my seminary training to not pick over each church with a fine tooth comb and be done with it. i knew that there was something deeper and i remembered this from when I first moved to Dallas. And it has to do with my insecurity about people being stable in my life. And I kind of mentioned this while getting coffee. It's this... sometimes I think that if I let new people into my life that some of the old people are going to get pushed away or I think how am I going to have time for more people in my life. I mean every year I think that I don't want anymore friends b/c I have enough. And I have phenomenal friends. They have been family for, been there to hold me up through all kinds of trials, doubts, heartache. And as thankful as I am for my friends it gets really hard sometimes that i have to leave them or they leave me or just that things won't be the same and having to adapt in the change in the friendship (like not talking as much, or they're on the other side of the world). So then I want to resort back to my old defense mechanism of shutting down and just not caring. Which that really sucks but then you don't feel pain or lonely or insecure. And part of me, being me, when I move to a new place I have this struggle of not wanting to meet new people b/c I don't want to go through this whole process again of getting to know people, caring about them and then leaving/they leave. And I have made a few great friends at work and they are wonderfully supportive. I know, you might be wondering, how on earth is this chic a counselor? Well, it's easy b/c it's not a reciprocal relationship with your clients.
so I was reading some past notes/blog from facebook and found this from January of 2008 as I processing what I should do after I graduate. I know myself so well.
"I’m not worried about making new friends or a new support system b/c God has always been faithful in providing that for me. And I know myself. I know that it takes me a good year to 1 ½ to feel settled somewhere. And there is something exciting about going somewhere new and kind of “starting over.” But on the flip side, I don’t really want to leave the friends and support system I have in Dallas and long distance friendships can work, but they can also be hard to maintain. And sometimes I get frustrated or tired of maintaining my friendships from college and from Russia trips that to have to do that with another set of people- I just don’t know if I have it in me. And I know there’s an insecurity there b/c I’ve always wanted to have lifelong friends, but maintaining those when you live thousands of miles away is hard and I’ve always struggled with thinking that people wouldn’t want to be lifelong friends with me. So I get insecure when people don’t respond quickly or when I feel like I’m the one doing most of the work in the friendship (long distance ones) so then I think I should just cut ties completely b/c it would hurt less. Which is so not the case at all."
yep. that sums it up pretty well. =) Well ever since my conversation with Beau this morning I have been so weepy. All day the conversation and all that junk I just wrote about would bring tears to my eyes. I've broken down a few times. Even while typing this note it's happened a couple of times. Even though my head hurts, I feel much better to have typed and cried that out.
Well, this is extra long since it's been months since I've written anything. =)
Good night and let's hope that my car starts tomorrow...
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