Well, this has not been the best month of my life. I found out on July 6 that my father had passed away. Not only that but he had been dead for probably a week and a half before anyone knew about it. Things are never conventional in my family...not even death. I've never had a death hit me quite like dad's. It hit instantly. It's the worst kind of pain/feeling/experience ever. We've finished everything with the house. My father was strangely sentimental and a packrat. He kept everything. I was looking through some old letters of his...he was quite the player, my father. The house was in bad shape. The smell was wretched the first few days. Even as gross as it was it was like the last thing I had left of dad. I know that is weird and morbid...but it was. I didn't get to view his body. He had decomposed quite a bit and was talked out of seeing him from everyone-my brother, my mother, the detective and the corporal at the police station. I think it would have helped me but at the same time I'm glad I didn't see my dad like that. When he was in the hospital 10 years ago, I didn't see him then (b/c he was on the other side of the country) and I was glad that I never had to see my dad looking weak. I'm thankful for that now.
I've had incredible support from my friends, family and co-workers. I am thankful for those the Lord has put into my life. I'm thankful that I know the God of all comfort. B/c if it weren't for the Lord sustaining me I don't know what I'd do. During the week I try to avoid grieving b/c it's just too much sometimes. It's too hard and it hurts too much. The pain is like nothing I've ever experienced before. It's like a part of me is missing and there's nothing that can fill that up. Judy, my old counselor, put it as a breathtaking pain. She hit the nail on the head. that's why she's phenomenal. Another friend, said that person told him after his father died that it's a new normal. Well it sucks. and I don't like it very much.
I know the states of grief. I think I'm entering into the anger stage. Well, I'm more in the "it's not fair, it wasn't supposed to be like this stage." I am very thankful that I got to spend Father's Day weekend with him. We had a great time and I remember thinking how thankful I was for my dad. Dad and I didn't have the best relationship for a while several years ago. I had to learn that his way of showing love wasn't necessarily the way I needed it the best. But I know he tried. I know my father loved me alot and I know he was very proud of me. I have loved looking through dad's stuff. He was such a talented artist. I have a few of his paintings. I loved his paintings the best, even though he has some absolutely incredible sketches. Dad was also very intelligent. He would challenge me often and I would challenge him as well. He didn't like it when I brought up subjects that i knew more about than he did. My father instilled in me the love of travel and learning about other cultures. He taught me how to draw...well gave me some tips...i'm not good like he was.
I covet prayers, for those that read this. I know it's going to take time. This whole grieving thing really sucks. It's just the best word. I am thankful that I don't have regrets. Dad and I resolved our issues. I do wish that I had kept in contact with him more but we talked about it when I was visiting him and he understood and knew that he could've called just as I could have.
Well I think they are about to kick me out of Panera. I feel much better having written that. =)
grace peace and love
