hello...old friend

wow. I has been some months since I have blogged. I don't even know where to start.

I have indeed made my apartment more homey...more me. It also looks like a trainwreck right now. I hope to get some dishes and clothes washed tomorrow.

My poor car is having some problems. She's getting old so it's time for maintenance type things to be done. But right now she's not so much wanting to start. I washed the battery and got the corroded (i think that's how you spell it) off, so hopefully she'll start for me tomorrow. =) I am thankful that I live close by civilization. I walked to Subway for lunch/dinner. It was fun.

I went to T-town for Alan's wedding. Yay for Alan Henderson!!! I love seeing my friends get married. Like I have a joy from deep within that comes forth when I go to my friends weddings. It's hard to describe.

I love going to Tuscaloosa. Soon Alan's going to be the only person I know there. There is something about going to Tuscaloosa that refreshes me and I feel like I'm where I belong and that I"m in touch with my roots. In some ways it is still bittersweet going back to Tuscaloosa. I can't believe it was 10 years, a decade, that I was a freshman in college. Like I've known Beth, Becca, Andre', Mo, Kristal for over 1/3 of my life. Like when I think about my time in Tuscaloosa I remember alot of the pain that I experienced while there. however when I'm actually there I tend to remember alot of the healing that took place as well as it being the place I met and learned about my Saviour, Jesus. for that reason alone Tuscaloosa will always be special to me. I wish I could have stayed for longer. I got to see Scott and Penny Sparks. Scott was my college minister and he and Penny were my "adopted" parents through the college ministry. I haven't seen Scott in like 3 years and I don't think I've seen Penny since they left Tuscaloosa. I, of course, stayed with Beth and Jeremy. Beth went to the wedding and we were able to feel old together. =) I saw Will and Jarrett. Callie and Robert were at the wedding. I got to see the Boggs'. The Robinson's were there. talked to them more in T-town than in Memphis. Got to see Beau. I felt very, hm, what's the word i'm looking for. rejuvenated, revived, accepted, myself. Like the me that isn't stressed from work, that isn't cynical, that isn't lonely. I was just me. I didn't sugar-coat things. I was honest about where I'm at in life spiritually and about my job. I love my job...most of it. =) but I think it is true with any job there will be aspects that you just don't like at all. I had coffee with Beau this morning and some of the things we talked about brought up some topics that I have been avoiding. And you know it's funny to me that no matter how much change happens...some things still stay the same.

I've been thinking recently on my lack of trying to find a church and friends outside of work. I think there is some healing that needs to take place from my time at the church I went to in Dallas and i know that it's hard for me b/c of my seminary training to not pick over each church with a fine tooth comb and be done with it. i knew that there was something deeper and i remembered this from when I first moved to Dallas. And it has to do with my insecurity about people being stable in my life. And I kind of mentioned this while getting coffee. It's this... sometimes I think that if I let new people into my life that some of the old people are going to get pushed away or I think how am I going to have time for more people in my life. I mean every year I think that I don't want anymore friends b/c I have enough. And I have phenomenal friends. They have been family for, been there to hold me up through all kinds of trials, doubts, heartache. And as thankful as I am for my friends it gets really hard sometimes that i have to leave them or they leave me or just that things won't be the same and having to adapt in the change in the friendship (like not talking as much, or they're on the other side of the world). So then I want to resort back to my old defense mechanism of shutting down and just not caring. Which that really sucks but then you don't feel pain or lonely or insecure. And part of me, being me, when I move to a new place I have this struggle of not wanting to meet new people b/c I don't want to go through this whole process again of getting to know people, caring about them and then leaving/they leave. And I have made a few great friends at work and they are wonderfully supportive. I know, you might be wondering, how on earth is this chic a counselor? Well, it's easy b/c it's not a reciprocal relationship with your clients.

so I was reading some past notes/blog from facebook and found this from January of 2008 as I processing what I should do after I graduate. I know myself so well.

"I’m not worried about making new friends or a new support system b/c God has always been faithful in providing that for me. And I know myself. I know that it takes me a good year to 1 ½ to feel settled somewhere. And there is something exciting about going somewhere new and kind of “starting over.” But on the flip side, I don’t really want to leave the friends and support system I have in Dallas and long distance friendships can work, but they can also be hard to maintain. And sometimes I get frustrated or tired of maintaining my friendships from college and from Russia trips that to have to do that with another set of people- I just don’t know if I have it in me. And I know there’s an insecurity there b/c I’ve always wanted to have lifelong friends, but maintaining those when you live thousands of miles away is hard and I’ve always struggled with thinking that people wouldn’t want to be lifelong friends with me. So I get insecure when people don’t respond quickly or when I feel like I’m the one doing most of the work in the friendship (long distance ones) so then I think I should just cut ties completely b/c it would hurt less. Which is so not the case at all."

yep. that sums it up pretty well. =) Well ever since my conversation with Beau this morning I have been so weepy. All day the conversation and all that junk I just wrote about would bring tears to my eyes. I've broken down a few times. Even while typing this note it's happened a couple of times. Even though my head hurts, I feel much better to have typed and cried that out.

Well, this is extra long since it's been months since I've written anything. =)

Good night and let's hope that my car starts tomorrow...