so I decided that I needed a vacation...some time for me, some time to let myself grieve without having to turn it off so I can do my job...it is a part of being a counselor. so I went to Atlanta for a few days to visit my good friend Becca and celebrate the day she exited her mother's womb.

I had lots of fun in atlanta. it was relaxing. always good times with Becca.

on the way back today I had a lot of fun people watching and was kind of introspective
I have been reading a book by Irv Yalom called the gift of therapy. it has refreshed
my passion for counseling and given me a few things to think about.

I love to travel. I have been flying since I was a baby. flying has always been fun and fascinating to me. but I have noticed the older I get the more anxious I get about flying. as I stared out the window I reminisced about some of my favourite airplane rides. I love taking off when the plane goes really fast. I thought about how when I was younger I didn't think about the plane crashing or all the what if's. being a Lost fan doesn't help too much with anxiety about flying. so as we are taking off after like 15 minutes of taxiing I was filled with that childlike wonderment that I had when I was a child and for the first time in a while I didn't have to use any of my relaxation techniques to help me deal with a situation outside of my control. there was just amazement, wonder and faith. I tbhought about how difficult it is for me to have faith sometimes. I don't falter on theological issues or about if Scripture is real or theTrinity. but in the day to day small things it canbe hard. in matters of the heart and the ceasing of heartache it is really hard. I thought about when I first became a believer in Jesus. it was so innocent and easy.

I have thought about dad alot. I wish I was one of those people that just deals with it positively. but most of my thought are about how much it sucks and and are more doom and gloom. I really want to hit things and scream and curse alot. there is a big hole in me. nothing seems to be able to fill it up. shopping is my fav way to try to fill it but doesn't work. but it is fun. thought about self medicating with alcohol but would rather spend my money shopping for other things. it is hard and sucks. it is hard being a counselor and being on the other side of the fence. I can deal with another's pain alot easier than my own.

I have prayed some. haven't read alot of Scripture but it comes to my mind often. I have a quote of my own that I use to help me with others. it is that you have to experience the pain to get past to. so true but so
hard. I am trying ready for it to go away or just not be so raw and intense.

well thanks for reading. I typed this on my iPhone so please excuse my typos.