home

Recently, i have been feeling homesick...which is strange b/c it's not necessarily attached to a specific place. i wish i could be all spiritual and say i'm homesick for heaven, but that would be a lie. i have thought about that a little. and maybe it isn't actually homesickness. maybe i'm just realizing a void or several voids in my life and i realize what i'm missing...such as community. and i've studied, it taught it, and lived it. but i'm just tired of getting settle places, investing in others having them investing in me and then leaving. even after 2 years of being in memphis this hasn't changed much. probably due to a lack of prayer and desire to have it changed. and that stubborn streak of i can handle it on my own. i know i need to make some changes in my life...okay probably alot of changes...but i have little motivation. and i know you don't have to have motivation to do what you're supposed to do or what is expected of you. i had a situation come up recently that prompted some of these thoughts and just a general reflection on my life...it's been pretty phenomenal. i have been blessed with awesome people in my life and even here in Memphis I have been. Sometimes i just feel like i don't fit in here...which may not be an entirely terrible thing. I felt that way in Dallas at times..depending on wehre i was or who i was around. so i'm not going to make some grand proclamation of making change but i am going to try to start the process. I want to be realistic with myself. my first plan of actions is to read some of Paul's books and read the passion he had for Jesus. That's the first thing I need to reclaim in my life. For those that pray, if you would pray for me and I try to live out Proverbs 3:5-6 i would be forever grateful.

Grace, peace and love

Another year older...

so tomorrow i will turn 29. it was painful to type that. it's my last year of my 20's. it just doesn't seem like I should be that old...yet i feel like i've lived alot of life...if that makes any kind of sense. Just for a brief history....when i was a teenager i wanted to be 20 or in my early 20's just so I could say "Well 20 years ago i remember..." well now that i can do that and have done so often it's not as fun as i had imagined. then when i actually turned 20 it was so difficult for me...28 was also a little difficult b/c that's late 20's. 25 was good b/c i really felt like an adult...i was a bit more responsible and understood myself ALOT more. i've taken the classes...i know "they" say a woman is in her prime in her 30's but it's 30. I know logically it's not old, i'm glad i have a year to prepare for being 30.

i decided to make a 30 before 30 list to just add a little to my last year in my 20's. I have asked others for suggestions and finally have the created list. now, it's not necessarily a list of new things to do...just some things. if i had more money i would put more travelling on there.

here it is:
30 before 30 list

1. eat catfish
2. go to comic con 2011
3. go overseas
4. get finances in order
5. learn how to make a cherry pie
6. beat super Mario bros on the wii
7. take my tests for LPC
8. wear heels once a month
9. get a pedicure
10. have a spa day
11. re-watch the entire LOST series
12. read the brothers karamazov
13. put my pictures in the frames I bought
14. buy a how to paint book and paint a pretty picture
15. put curtains in my living room
16. buy a fish and bamboo an keep them living
17. try a Martini
18. go to Shelby farms
19. learn how to season veggies
20. go to the mountains.
21. learn some Italian
22. go to a state I haven't been to
23. learn to knit or crochet
24. visit livvy in Canada
25. have fresh flowers in my apt at least once a month
26. chart Colossians
27. not use shopping as a coping mechanism
28. learn to play spades
29. make a mosaic
30. start recycling

I have already accomplished two of the items...i tried catfish when my mom and grandma came to visit me and i signed up for this retirement 403b at work (it's like the non-profit 401K). I will need some accountability and will try to keep this updated on what i accomplish.

Grace peace and love

another "first" passed...

July 6 is officially my least favourite day of the whole year. A year ago today I found out my father had died...and that he had been dead for a couple of weeks. I was shocked...completely shocked. I had just seen him for Father's day and he looked the best he had in years. Getting that phone call was something I had dreaded for the past 10 years, yet prepared myself for at the same time. For those that don't know the summer of 1999 after I graduated from high school my aunt, who i was visiting and was also my dad's sister, died...upon hearing this news a few hours later my father had a massive heart attack. I thought that was the worst day of my life...it definitely ranks up there. So back to where I was. I was at work in a session and noticed I kept getting calls on my cell from a 615 number. My heart dropped as the only person in that area, Nashville, would be my father. And I saw my brother had called as well...I knew something was wrong. I listened to my voicemails, hoping maybe dad had just been arrested or was in the hospital. but police detectives don't normally call for people being in the hospital. I called my brother first. He told me dad was dead and gave me details. I kept it together until I got off the phone with him. I've never had a death or tragedy hit me so immediately. I had my door closed and my blinds shut in my office. I called my mom and then lost it again. She panicked. I got off the phone with her and called the police detective and also talked to the medical examiner. It seems my father had decayed quite a bit. I was preparing myself for seeing him dead and identifying him. You know in those shows like Criminal Minds and CSI when they tell the family member/friend "you don't want to have this memory of your father/mother/sister/brother etc." that's what they told me. I was told that the way my father looked wasn't a memory I would want to have of him. I did not like them for telling me that. I needed to see him dead to fully have closure and believe it. but I didn't get to. Even my brother called the detective/medical examiner and asked them to talk me out of seeing my dad. I didn't like him for that. I continue to believe that closure is still especially difficult for me b/c I never got to see my father dead. I imagined it and I figure what I imagine is close to what he looked like. Sorry for the morbid stuff. Anyways, after I got off the phone with them, I called my supervisor and told him what happened. he was very compassionate and told me I could take as much time as I needed. I got myself together, went to the restroom, told the staff members and my kids at work that i just found out my father had died and would be gone for most of the week. My kids were very empathic. One told me I was handling things well for "a woman." In his mind this was a great compliment. He also came to my office and offered my words back to me when he was facing a difficult situation with a family member where death was a strong possibility. It was really rewarding to tsee the empathy from those young men at that time. I finished up my work and planned on coming in the next morning to do a few things. People kept telling me to go home...but then I'd really have to deal with it. I wanted to stay busy. My mom came later that night and we made plans for driving to Nasvhille the next day. My brother and I were going to have to go through all dad's stuff. Denny and Pam met us in Memphis b/c I thought I had a key to dad's house...turned out I didn't. Wednesday morning we got to dad's house. we stayed at a hotel near his house. B/c he had been dead in the house for so long it smelled putrid, pungent, wretched. It smelled like death. It was not safe at all for us to be in the house with the toxic smell but we aired it out. It was a lot better once we took some of the carpet out. you could see where the fluids in his body had drained out...like you could even see the different fluids. it was kind of weird but, even as gross as the smell was, it was comforting? b/c it was like the last part of my dad that was left. But I will say I have never felt so disgusting in my life as I did as we worked in that house. I kept it together pretty well while I was there. I'm not much of a crier around others, even my family. we decided not to have a funeral and to celebrate him instead at an Italian restaurant. A couple of weeks later, my friend Annie and I went back to finish getting stuff and going through the boxes in the garage. My childhood was in those boxes. it was fun but completely overwhelming. We also stayed with my brother and sister's mother. she and her husband were very kind.

Now a year later...I'm still very angry...livid at times...that he died alone. that he died and I had no idea. aren't we supposed to sense things like that? Angry that my sister would do nothing to help us out. that she continues to be so completely selfish in so many ways. that she still can't seem to let go of the past. but she is for another post on another day. I will say I am mostly through her rejection of me...but I just don't get it. angry that he didn't make it to see his first grandchild-an adorably precious little girl. I feel guilty that I didn't know. guilty that I didn't call more or visit him since i was closer. and just kind of empty and lost not having my dad around. nothing makes me tear up as quickly as thinking about my dad not being around. i also don't know where my father is spending eternity. And that i believe is the hardest part for me to deal with...b/c I simply don't know. I relive that day over many times...which usually leads me back 10 years before to a type of day I never wanted to live again.

At least all the first's are out of the way...my birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas, father's day, his birthday and now the day we found out he was no longer with us.I knew this day would be the hardest. I worked my on duty day on Father's day. it was an easy day and i stayed busy. the day after father's day would have been his 65th birthday. I worked hard that day too. but today...today is different. Maybe b/c father's day and his birthday and other holidays have happy memories as well...but today, today only has sad memories. well I do smile when I remember that one young man telling me I was handiling things well "for a woman." I have cleaned today. that helped. I have watched dvd's that helped me emote b/c I also considered not really dealing with this day at all and avoiding it. I am great at avoiding things..especially those that are painful. but i've survived. sitting here in this panera as a i type. I have only teared up a few times. I have watched live video feed of my friend rebecca who is in scotland. I have also watched these three women work and talk and it is comical b/c this one woman is so expressive and the other two are not. There's been finger pointing, mild yelling and tears...all from her.

Well, I feel much better having gotten this out in written form. you know I could say all of this...but it's not the same as writing it..for me. sorry if you read this and it brings you down, but this is about as real and raw as I get.

grace peace and love

"No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible." George Chakiris