another "first" passed...

July 6 is officially my least favourite day of the whole year. A year ago today I found out my father had died...and that he had been dead for a couple of weeks. I was shocked...completely shocked. I had just seen him for Father's day and he looked the best he had in years. Getting that phone call was something I had dreaded for the past 10 years, yet prepared myself for at the same time. For those that don't know the summer of 1999 after I graduated from high school my aunt, who i was visiting and was also my dad's sister, died...upon hearing this news a few hours later my father had a massive heart attack. I thought that was the worst day of my life...it definitely ranks up there. So back to where I was. I was at work in a session and noticed I kept getting calls on my cell from a 615 number. My heart dropped as the only person in that area, Nashville, would be my father. And I saw my brother had called as well...I knew something was wrong. I listened to my voicemails, hoping maybe dad had just been arrested or was in the hospital. but police detectives don't normally call for people being in the hospital. I called my brother first. He told me dad was dead and gave me details. I kept it together until I got off the phone with him. I've never had a death or tragedy hit me so immediately. I had my door closed and my blinds shut in my office. I called my mom and then lost it again. She panicked. I got off the phone with her and called the police detective and also talked to the medical examiner. It seems my father had decayed quite a bit. I was preparing myself for seeing him dead and identifying him. You know in those shows like Criminal Minds and CSI when they tell the family member/friend "you don't want to have this memory of your father/mother/sister/brother etc." that's what they told me. I was told that the way my father looked wasn't a memory I would want to have of him. I did not like them for telling me that. I needed to see him dead to fully have closure and believe it. but I didn't get to. Even my brother called the detective/medical examiner and asked them to talk me out of seeing my dad. I didn't like him for that. I continue to believe that closure is still especially difficult for me b/c I never got to see my father dead. I imagined it and I figure what I imagine is close to what he looked like. Sorry for the morbid stuff. Anyways, after I got off the phone with them, I called my supervisor and told him what happened. he was very compassionate and told me I could take as much time as I needed. I got myself together, went to the restroom, told the staff members and my kids at work that i just found out my father had died and would be gone for most of the week. My kids were very empathic. One told me I was handling things well for "a woman." In his mind this was a great compliment. He also came to my office and offered my words back to me when he was facing a difficult situation with a family member where death was a strong possibility. It was really rewarding to tsee the empathy from those young men at that time. I finished up my work and planned on coming in the next morning to do a few things. People kept telling me to go home...but then I'd really have to deal with it. I wanted to stay busy. My mom came later that night and we made plans for driving to Nasvhille the next day. My brother and I were going to have to go through all dad's stuff. Denny and Pam met us in Memphis b/c I thought I had a key to dad's house...turned out I didn't. Wednesday morning we got to dad's house. we stayed at a hotel near his house. B/c he had been dead in the house for so long it smelled putrid, pungent, wretched. It smelled like death. It was not safe at all for us to be in the house with the toxic smell but we aired it out. It was a lot better once we took some of the carpet out. you could see where the fluids in his body had drained out...like you could even see the different fluids. it was kind of weird but, even as gross as the smell was, it was comforting? b/c it was like the last part of my dad that was left. But I will say I have never felt so disgusting in my life as I did as we worked in that house. I kept it together pretty well while I was there. I'm not much of a crier around others, even my family. we decided not to have a funeral and to celebrate him instead at an Italian restaurant. A couple of weeks later, my friend Annie and I went back to finish getting stuff and going through the boxes in the garage. My childhood was in those boxes. it was fun but completely overwhelming. We also stayed with my brother and sister's mother. she and her husband were very kind.

Now a year later...I'm still very angry...livid at times...that he died alone. that he died and I had no idea. aren't we supposed to sense things like that? Angry that my sister would do nothing to help us out. that she continues to be so completely selfish in so many ways. that she still can't seem to let go of the past. but she is for another post on another day. I will say I am mostly through her rejection of me...but I just don't get it. angry that he didn't make it to see his first grandchild-an adorably precious little girl. I feel guilty that I didn't know. guilty that I didn't call more or visit him since i was closer. and just kind of empty and lost not having my dad around. nothing makes me tear up as quickly as thinking about my dad not being around. i also don't know where my father is spending eternity. And that i believe is the hardest part for me to deal with...b/c I simply don't know. I relive that day over many times...which usually leads me back 10 years before to a type of day I never wanted to live again.

At least all the first's are out of the way...my birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas, father's day, his birthday and now the day we found out he was no longer with us.I knew this day would be the hardest. I worked my on duty day on Father's day. it was an easy day and i stayed busy. the day after father's day would have been his 65th birthday. I worked hard that day too. but today...today is different. Maybe b/c father's day and his birthday and other holidays have happy memories as well...but today, today only has sad memories. well I do smile when I remember that one young man telling me I was handiling things well "for a woman." I have cleaned today. that helped. I have watched dvd's that helped me emote b/c I also considered not really dealing with this day at all and avoiding it. I am great at avoiding things..especially those that are painful. but i've survived. sitting here in this panera as a i type. I have only teared up a few times. I have watched live video feed of my friend rebecca who is in scotland. I have also watched these three women work and talk and it is comical b/c this one woman is so expressive and the other two are not. There's been finger pointing, mild yelling and tears...all from her.

Well, I feel much better having gotten this out in written form. you know I could say all of this...but it's not the same as writing it..for me. sorry if you read this and it brings you down, but this is about as real and raw as I get.

grace peace and love

"No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible." George Chakiris